Helping your baby learn to self-soothe is one of the most empowering and loving things you can do as a parent. It’s natural to want to comfort your baby at every cry, but part of helping them learn and grow is gently teaching them how to find calm and comfort on their own. Initially, it may feel like you are abandoning them or not being responsive enough, but that isn’t the case at all. Teaching your baby how to self-soothe is a big landmark in early childhood development and will help them regulate their emotions, not just throughout childhood, but throughout their lives.
Self-soothing should probably be called co-soothing, because it’s a joint effort between you and your baby. You’ll still be there to help guide your child toward emotional independence while being their safe place and stepping in when their emotions are too big for them to handle on their own. Learning to self-soothe will help your baby regulate their emotions, fall asleep on their own, and fall back asleep on their own if they wake up throughout the night.
At what age can babies start to self-soothe?
Babies can begin to self-soothe as early as three to four months old, and even then, it’s an adjustment for both the baby and the parent. After months of late nights feeding, cuddling, and changing diapers, they are finally ready to sleep through the night. With a little preparation, they’ll be able to fall asleep on their own, get back to sleep if they wake up during the night, and relax on their own for short periods during the day.
Tips to Help Babies Self-soothe at Night
Babies thrive on structure and consistency. When trying to build new habits and teach new skills, the best thing parents can do is to be consistent. It may take a few weeks or even months for your baby to pick up the self-soothing strategies you’re teaching them. Over time, your baby will get used to the process and calm down more quickly.
- Keep a schedule: Put your baby down for naps and bedtime at the same time every day. A consistent sleep schedule will help your baby’s body learn when it’s time to wind down and keep them from getting overtired and fussy.
- Create a sleeping space: When it comes to sleeping, babies like the same things we do. Give your baby a dark, cool, quiet place to sleep.
- Wean off feeding to sleep: Newborn babies often fall asleep while nursing. Feeding time can be one of the most comfortable times in your baby’s life, but it doesn’t help them learn to self-soothe. Move feeding times a little earlier in your routine and put your baby down for bed when you see them starting to get drowsy.
- Hang out: After you put your baby down for bed, stay in the room without touching or talking to them for a while. It helps them learn that being put down isn’t a bad thing, and they can relax while in their own bed.
- Try a pacifier: Sucking on something is a common soothing technique for young children. If your baby needs a little help at night, offering a binky may help. Limit pacifier use to bedtime and nap time, or else it might be harder to get rid of the binky when the time comes.
- Make some noise: Gentle background noise helps to muffle other sounds that might startle your baby out of their sleep. Consistent, predictable noise can also serve as an audio cue to let your baby know it’s time to sleep. Try using a white noise machine, quiet music, or even the sound of a fan.
- Reduce stimulation: Sometimes, in the course of trying to comfort our little ones, we accidentally overstimulate them making their ability to self-soothe worse. When that happens, the best self-soothing method is to back off and give your child an opportunity to relax.
- Give them a few minutes: When your baby starts crying, you’ll be tempted to intervene immediately. Instead, give your baby an opportunity to soothe themselves on their own before you step in to help. Wait five to ten minutes before intervening, and then take these steps:
- Start small: Start with the smallest possible intervention first, before moving on to more involved action. Start with making eye contact, but not talking or touching. Sometimes, all your baby needs is the comfort of your presence. Next, talk to them from a few feet away, then make gentle physical contact by putting their hand on their belly or chest.
- Briefly hold them: If small interventions don’t work, pick your baby up and hold them in your arms. Hold and rock, swaddle them in a blanket, give them a gentle massage, and if all else fails, feed them. The goal is to step in as little as possible and slowly pull back until your baby can self-soothe without your help.
- Take it slow: Start with just one or two interventions, then take a break for about five minutes before doing more. That might seem like a long time, especially when you have a crying baby, but your little one needs time to work through their feelings.
- Dial it down: Talk to your baby in a calm, quiet, soothing voice. You don’t want to be too stimulating, or they might wake up completely.
Be flexible! Some strategies may work better for one parent than the other, and you may need to switch strategies over time. As your baby grows, so will their needs. What works when your baby is three months old may not work when they’re six months old, and so on. If you find that old strategies suddenly don’t work anymore, try switching it up to see if your baby is more receptive to something new. With a little bit of time and patience, your baby will learn to put themselves back to sleep and know that you are always close by.
